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Dealing with Whining:
The Do's and Don'ts
by Chick Moorman
Jason Meredith's two-year-old son whines when
he wants more juice. Brenda Kreuger's eight-year-old daughter
whines about having to take piano lessons. Connie Gustufson's
daughter whines about not getting enough playing time on the
softball team. Each parent finds the whining annoying, but is
unsure what to do about it. In each case, both parent and child
could be helped by the following guidelines:
Do expect your child to whine. It is age-appropriate
at two, three, eight, thirteen, nineteen, and every age in between.
Children will whine. Count on it.
Don't say, "Stop whining." That doesn't
work. Children do not like being ordered around under normal
circumstances. When they are whining, they like it even less.
One thing worse than a whiner is a whiner that engages you in
a power struggle.
Do say, "Madison, that's whining. Whining
doesn't work with me. What works with me is to ask in a normal
voice using a normal tone at a normal volume. If you do that,
sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you don't, but it's
your only hope."
Don't be surprised if you're tested. Your child
will check you out to see if you meant what you just said. Show
your child that you did mean it.
Don't cave. You may be tested more than once.
Once your child realizes that whining doesn't work, he or she
will drop the behavior. A child who fights does so because that
behavior works for him or her. A child who runs away from fights
does so because that works for him or her. A child who gives
excuses does so because that behavior works for him or her.
Show your child that whining doesn't work with you.
Do announce that your bedroom, the living room,
the kitchen, and the car are whine-free zones. Put up whine-free
signs if necessary.
Do allow your child to whine. Provide a whining
area. The child's bedroom will work well for this purpose. With
a legitimate whining area, your child can continue to whine
if he or she chooses, and you don't have to hear it.
Don't whine to your spouse about your whining
child. You are always modeling. Your child learned whining behavior
somewhere. Could it have been from you?
Do use a whine fine for older children. Assess
each whiner $1.00 per whine. Keep it in a whine jar or whine
bottle. Treat yourself to dinner out or a massage when the whine
toll allows.
Do allow children to whine in a whining journal.
Inform them that you will listen to all whining if it is written
down.
Do praise your child when he or she asks in
a normal voice using a normal tone at a normal volume. Don't
take children to stores, malls, or relatives' homes after their
normal bedtimes. If you do, you're asking for whining. Whining,
both theirs and yours, increases with tiredness.
Do use preventative communication before you
enter whine zones. Have a talk in the car before you enter the
grocery store. Explain the purpose of the trip. Set the ground
rules. Make your expectations clear before you enter the whine
zone, and you will experience less whining when you get there.
Do inform your child that you are having trouble
hearing when he or she whines. Say that your child is hard to
understand when he or she chooses that tone. Tell your child
that whining hurts your ears and they close down for whine protection.
Do make a copy of this article and carry it
around with you. Doing so will help you stay conscious that
whining is a behavior you have made a commitment to eliminate.
Don't get discouraged. Whining is learned behavior.
Learned behavior can be unlearned, and if you use these strategies
consistently, your child will learn new behaviors to replace
it.
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Chick Moorman is the author of "Parent
Talk: How To Talk To Your Child In Language That Builds Self-Esteem
and Encourages Responsibility," and "Spirit Whisperers:
Teachers Who Nourish A Child's Spirit." (Personal Power
Press, toll free, 877-360-1477.) He publishes FREE E-newsletters
for parents and educators. Contact him (ipp57@aol.com) to get
your free subscription to one or both newsletters.
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